grace or disgraced-based parenting?
During my second year at a Christian university, I enrolled in a 5 hour class called The Humanity of Christ. During the semester, we spent countless hours dissecting the ramifications of a creator God who came to earth as a human being. At the end of the course, there was one central conclusion we all could make: the incarnation is a great and wonderful mystery.
I was thinking about that class and the humanity of Jesus a couple months ago as we anticipated the Christmas season. It gave me pause to consider what we know of his human parents and the type of home where Jesus grew up as a little boy. It made me wonder about Joseph and Mary’s parenting style!
As a mom, it isn’t difficult for me to consider the beginning of Mary’s life as a mother. I was enormously pregnant the one year our family was asked to light the Advent candle during the Christmas Eve service and as I waddled to the front of the church, I imagined Mary riding a donkey with a tummy as huge as my own! Afterwards, many people came up to me and shared how real the reading of the Gospel of Luke had been to them that night, as well, how my “being with child” brought the humanity of Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus into clearer focus for them.
When I think of Mary, I think of her giving birth in a crude stable, caring for a tiny baby without older women to assist, of a woman who raised a little boy and then saw him become a man of miracles, eventually to die a criminal’s death while she looked on. I often wonder how many times she cried out to God to give her wisdom and grace to be the mother of Jesus.
And I wonder if her own mom and dad were hand-on grandparents who babysat for Jesus and played outside with him on sunny days. I wonder how they responded to the Gospel message of their precious grandson and if they were there at Calvary. These are all things I have pondered in my heart as I think of my own family and wonder about the relationship Jesus had with his earthly family.
And what do we know of Joseph? Their marriage had a rocky start, that is for sure. Joseph knew that he had not fathered Mary’s child. He also knew that by law he could put her away, that is, divorce her, as a betrothal was considered as binding as a marriage at that time. He also could have turned her over to the authorities to be put to death by stoning, as fornication and adultery were punishable by death. He also could have taken her to court to sue her for her dowry and if he had paid any bride price for her, he could surely have been reimbursed. Her public shame could have been increased by the fact that he only needed to call on the elders or leaders in their village to assist him, making sure he got all that was coming to him and be sure his good name was cleared.
We are told that Joseph was a righteous man, that is, a man who knew the law, a man who loved and obeyed it. And yet Matthew 1:19 says “Because Joseph, her husband, was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.”
The word disgrace in this context means “to show alongside to the public, to expose to infamy, to expose to open shame.” Joseph, because he was a righteous man, chose the opposite of disgrace, he chose to bestow grace on Mary. Disgrace equals shame which is the opposite of showing grace to another!
Doesn’t this give us insight into the type of household Jesus was raised in? His father was a righteous man, a man who practiced grace!
How often as a mom have I chosen the path of reigning down the law on my children? How often have I decided to “teach a lesson,” so to speak, when I had every right to do so? How often have I chosen punishment over grace? How often have I used various means to shame my kids into the behavior I want to see. And yet, we are told that Joseph was a righteous man because he chose the path of grace rather than the path of disgrace!
Lord, forgive me for the many, many times I have not behaved in a righteous manner with my children. Thank you for the infinite, amazing grace you extend to me! Give me wisdom to extend that same grace to them!
I have always been intrigued by Joseph because of what you mention, that he chose to not divorce Mary and to stick by her at this time when he could have divorced her or even had her killed by the authorities.
I have always wonder about how Joseph’s and Jesus’ relationship was, the bible gives no clues. Was it easy for them or did Joseph ever regret his choice? It will remain a mystery of course but one I cannot help myself thinking about from time to time.
That is a brilliant insight. I never put those two together like that. That’s really good: Because he was righteous…
Good stuff to keep in mind!
~Luke
Yes, Luke! Joseph was not righteous because he acted with grace, rather, his treatment of Mary proved he was a righteous man and demonstrated it as he showed grace to her!
I have long thought that Matthew opens up his Gospel with an example of what it meant to “keep the law” with his telling of this story. If I ever get to preach a Christmas sermon, this will be the text.
What is amazing is that VERY FEW Christians are even aware of this little gem.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Micah
I recently saw a beautiful sculpture of St. Joseph, standing at his carpentry bench holding a mallet in one hand and steadying Jesus (who was standing on the bench) with his other arm. They are staring quite intently at each other- Joseph smiles lovingly at Jesus. Its a really beautiful image of this father who raised this boy as if He were his own flesh and blood- they worked side by side from Jesus’ earliest moments. That’s the image I like to carry with me in my mind of these two together.
“How often as a mom have I chosen the path of reigning down the law on my children? How often have I decided to “teach a lesson,” so to speak, when I had every right to do so? How often have I chosen punishment over grace? How often have I used various means to shame my kids into the behavior I want to see. And yet, we are told that Joseph was a righteous man because he chose the path of grace rather than the path of disgrace!
Lord, forgive me for the many, many times I have not behaved in a righteous manner with my children. Thank you for the infinite, amazing grace you extend to me! Give me wisdom to extend that same grace to them!”
Wait, what? This is confusing. Haven’t you been following the Lord all these years, raising your children to His light, and now you’re looking for forgiveness? All these years hasn’t the Lord been guiding you?
I mean, I could never understand why parents treat their friends and even strangers on the street better than they treat their own kids. You always see parents screaming at their kids for some minor infraction, and then turn around and smile at their friends.
Also, why wouldn’t your first act of righteousness be to ask your children for forgiveness? I’m pretty sure that if your children did something wrong to someone else, you would make them apologize and ask forgiveness from that person.
Dinah, I seek the Lord’s forgiveness on a daily basis! And where did I say I haven’t sought forgiveness from others, repeatedly? I have shared some of those times on this blog over the years with the goal of encouraging moms to do likewise rather than see themselves as above their children in this way. I believe that we are commanded in Scripture to one another each other. No doctrine of sinless perfection believed or practiced in this home!
I do not, by the way, believe in “making” anyone ask for forgiveness. I believe we ought to admit wrong to one another but not put someone under the pressure to say “you are forgiven” without it truly coming from the heart. Otherwise, we are helping someone else in their Phariseeism.
What do you think, Dinah?
I recently had this quote from Chuck Swindoll as my FB status….such a great reminder to all of us!
“You want to mess up the minds of your children? Here’s how – guaranteed! Rear them in a legalistic, tight context of external religion, where performance is more important than reality. Fake your faith. Sneak around and pretend your spirituality. Train your children to do the same. Embrace a long list of do’s and don’ts publicly but hypocritically practice them privately…yet never own up to the fact that its hypocrisy. Act one way but live another. And you can count on it – emotional and spiritual damage will occur.”
~Chuck Swindoll
What do I think? I’m not sure, you were the one who said you had to “teach your kids a lesson”, “chosen punishment over grace” and “shaming” your kids to get the behavior you wanted. I’ve never met a parent who did that to their kids.
I mean, I appreciate what you’re saying, I think the way you said it took me by surprise. I personally don’t know anyone who uses some of the tactics I’ve seen described in some of the comments, or would even ever dream up some of the things seem to go on, and I know better your position on it.
I can’t imagine any kind of mind bending exercises that I could go through to make it OK for me to treat my children with anything but the utmost respect that they truly deserve, they are magnificent as they are in God’s image, flaws and all, need no improving from me, only guidance. I also don’t believe in making them do anything either, for the same reason as you said. Forcing anything on anyone is a phony approach, as in forcing someone, even your child, to believe or have faith isn’t as profound or meaningful as it is when it comes to them as a gift, when you are a living example of that gift, that’s all they need to see. At least, that’s what I think.
Dinah, what I think is that you and I are on the same page and that you are truly blessed to not have run in the circles some of us have!
I think what “thatmom” has done here is (to quote Anne Jackson) giving the Gift of Going Second…to the rest of us.
Dinah—none of us are perfect moms that ALWAYS treat our children with grace & respect. We are all guilty of putting our children under the law and treating them with too harsh of a hand at times—expecting more from them than we expect of ourselves. I think perhaps, Karen is remembering these times, and giving us an opportunity to explore these times in our lives as well. I’m a grace-filled mama (in the power of the Holy Spirit…not by anything *I* have done)…
but this morning…I was impatient, I didn’t want to listen to my son talk about his legos for the 80th time. I just wanted to listen to my new CD…I was angry when my other son asked for an orange…peeled it and then ate one bite. I got frustrated when he threw his plate on the ground, and the baby who adores him, took the opportunity to mimic him and threw hers as well. My oldest daughter was letting everything distract her from her math today and inside I felt annoyed and wanted to hurt at her to just “GET IT DONE” —all the while that my laundry was piling up, but I felt it was my “right” to check my facebook. (yes, today was not a good day.)
I’m guessing regular readers of this site, understand that grace doesn’t come to those of us who parent perfectly, and give off that impression to everyone we meet. But we seek to give grace, because it is appallingly, beautiful for us to have received it. We give grace because we know the nasty, un-loving, legalist hearts we carry around…and we see that Jesus loved us first and gave us grace.
Dinah—I’m not trying to attack you, so much as to come to Karen’s defense (not that she needs me to do so)…
but if you’ve never seen parents who have shamed their children, chosen punishment over grace, or taught their kids a lesson…then I’m afraid you and the people you are around haven’t met grace yet.
Karen…thank you for your honesty. God used you just now to touch my heart. I don’t feel shamed for my bad attitude morning—but forgiven, ready to move into an afternoon of repentance, hard work, love, and self-sacrifice…for the sake of the gospel…my Lord…and the little ones He’s entrusted to me. I’m forgiven, I’m free, and I’m thankful!
ooops I meant to say “hurl” at her to get it done…not HURT her. OOOOPS!
My goodness – I just spent 20 minutes typing in a cooment and it got lost – argg! Now my quiet time is almost up but Karen I basically was just thanking you for your candor and transparency. I WILL NOT go to any blogs where the author seems to be perfect at all times. Dinah might be always-gracious to her children but she sure wasn’t romotely so to you here and I just wince when I see that because through your mistakes (and being willing to share them) you’ve helped me so much!
I also was commenting about me and my oldest son – 11. When is it too much grace for this age? There’s no manual for this GB Parenting you know? I used to be harsh – now I’m not per se, but default to that because it’s really all I know – punishement and consequences. I’m reading, praying, growing and changing s.l.o.w.l.y. Any tips for right now for this age of boy?
Much love,
Michelle
Michelle, having survived age 11 with 5 sons who now bring me much joy and delight, let me just say you will survive! There is something that happens to boys about this age…precious little has been written about it…but they are wanting to grow up and be men in so many ways and yet they are still little boys! I can remember each of the boys starting to challenge me about doing things I told them to do. I was really frustrated and finally Clay told me that I needed to “ask” them rather than “tell them.” He also said I needed to use my feminine wiles, to treat them like men and sort of be helpless. It was really irritating to me, to think I needed to play these games. Why couldn’t they just take out the stupid trash? But after I thought about it for a while, I realized that Clay was simply suggesting that I show them the same kind of respect that I show him. I would smile nicely and ask for something to be done in the house, when he had time, and would usually bring him iced tea or cookies or whatever while he was doing it or when he finished. (I guess this is feminine wiles?) But it showed appreciation for what he was doing and he thought the guys needed to feel that as well because they were trying to become young men.
So, I started doing this and was amazed at what a difference it made. Rather than telling I asked, I thanked them, and I tried to do special things for them. If they were giving me a hard time about school work or chores, before it became a confrontation, I would say something like “You know, I heard you say you wanted to go to Wal-Mart for some model paint and I was just thinking that if we were to get the house vacuumed this afternoon, I would probably have time to drive you out there.” It was very effective.
Btw, I still use this approach with my grown son who has some learning deisabilities and can become quite frustrated very quickly. If a request is presented while giving him a back rub or offering something I know he would really like me to do, rarely is there an issue. I have also tried to stop asking the guys to do something for me just because it is convenient to ask a kid to do it…get me a drink of water, etc. I am trying to get into the habit of anticipating what they would like me to do for them and then doing it instead. I don’t always succeed but recognize the value of demonstrating what one anothering should look like.
I hope that helps a little…it is all about showing mutual respect for their time and concerns.
“Dinah might be always-gracious to her children but she sure wasn’t romotely so to you here.”
Well, I never claimed to be always gracious to anyone. I’m seeking answers to things I don’t understand.
“Dinah—I’m not trying to attack you, so much as to come to Karen’s defense (not that she needs me to do so)…
but if you’ve never seen parents who have shamed their children, chosen punishment over grace, or taught their kids a lesson…then I’m afraid you and the people you are around haven’t met grace yet.”
That’s OK, and I actually never said we did. But we have peace and love in our home and I am so grateful for that.
“What do I think? I’m not sure, you were the one who said you had to “teach your kids a lesson”, “chosen punishment over grace” and “shaming” your kids to get the behavior you wanted. I’ve never met a parent who did that to their kids.”
What did you mean when you said the above?
Karen thanks for that bit of wisdom. I definately think that’s what’s going on much of the time because me and this boy have a great relationship over all, especially since I’ve started a more “relational parenting” approach and done away with corporal punishment. It’s just that I have been hard wired to believe that ALL acts of disobedience must be dealt with in a punitive way, it’s hard to unlearn that. It’s been easy at times to blame the grace-based approach for “not working” when really that’s what grace is all about – paying attention to the changes in your children and treating them like individual persons.
When I look at what I took from my kinda dysfunctional, non-Christian childhood home it was the love and grace. So I’d rather err on the side of grace and have a realtionship with my grown children than err on the side of harshness and struggle through their childhoods and then have no relationship with them, or strained ones, when they are grown.
On a separate note, I know we’ve talked a bit about your son’s learning disabilities in the comments somewhere sometime but I wondered if you’d actually written a post about learning disabilities and homeschholing – love to read that if so.
Thanks again so much!
Dinah – I think it’s just your use of “always” and “never” that was a bit jarring, and your questioning someone’s need for forgiveness from God if they had been walking with Him. I wasn’t looking to pick a quarrel, it’s just right under needing to be more gracious with our children I feel that we moms need to be more gracious with eachother. It’s a HARD job, especially if you have a larger brood (but even if you don’t!) and if you homeschool (but even if you don’t!). We need to support and one another, pray for one another and serve one another. Sometimes indeed, we need to admonish one another but not when a mom is already contrite and repentant as Karen was in her post. I need to practice what I’m preaching here as I was ungracious to you! Please forgive me for that and God bless.
Michelle G.
Michelle, I agree with you, you are doing a very hard job, taking on more than most people care to, and charging in to every single day with dedication to your purpose.
And indeed, Karen was contrite in her post. To be perfectly honest, I am a complete and utter mushpot when it comes to children. I was at the pediatrician the other day and there was a mom there with a little boy, so adorable, so sweet and so polite to her, and she just scolded and scolded because he had taken off his shirt at school and then put it on backwards without realizing. She couldn’t see the sweetness for the very minor infraction of wearing his shirt backwards. I mean, she might have felt embarrassed (really, just backwards? My son has spent the day with shirts that are backwards and inside out) and she might have been tired, she had an infant with her, but of course, it broke my heart and I was haunted the rest of the day.
When I read what Karen wrote, it took that kind of scenario and in my mind I took it to another level and I did get angry, and I apologize. I am not always gracious or respectful, but it is a philosophy on child raising that I ascribe to, although not always perfectly. No one makes more mistakes or has more regret than I.
I don’t try to mold my children though, if I did, for example, if I tried to get my oldest daughter to wear dresses which she is adamantly opposed to, it would literally tear my family apart, and accomplish nothing. And that’s what I was reading into Karen’s post, that she was trying to turn her kids into something they’re not, and using physical punishment to do that. Clearly, that’s not the case.
“I need to practice what I’m preaching here as I was ungracious to you! Please forgive me for that and God bless.”
Please! Forgive you? No need, you did nothing wrong! I was the one who was harsh, without even realizing it, without knowing the whole story, you just pointed it out to me.
Dinah, if you haven’t read very far back into this blog, let me encourage you to read the series of articles called Grace in Parenting (side bar). I try to always share things I have learned along this 36 year journey I have had being a mom. I have many trophies in my hall of shame and, Lord-willing, my talking about them can spare others the grief I have experienced.
There is such a sense of competition and a drive for perfection within the homeschooling community now…changed much from the early years…and the fruit of that is expectations on children that are so harmful. There is a much, much better way to parent our kids!
Scripture gives us this tension: We are commanded to “be perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect” (Matt. 5:48) and then says “All your righteouseness is as filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6) The solution is to understand that without the work of grace in our hearts provided by God through Jesus Christ, we cannot demonstrate true grace to our children. We can be nice to them but grace is so much more than that. It is extending grace to others BECAUSE we have had that same grace (unmerited favor) extended to us by God.
Dinah,
Nice to hear back from you and thanks for sharing. There needs to be more “mushpots” (your word) in the world that have a heart for children and deal with them compassionately the way that Jesus would have. I have been you at the doctor’s office sitting in shock at the way a mother is talking to her child, but unfortunately, I’ve also been that mother too, more times than I’d like to think about. Thank God that parents don’t have to be perfect for children young and old to abide in Christ and have his blessed salvation.
I also thought it was brilliant and yet so basic when you said “I don’t try to mold my children…it would literally tear my family apart”. Wow, it’s taken me years to get that. Years! Even now, I have a hard time knowing when I’m slacking off or giving one of my kids some much needed lattitude. If my son (mentioned above) listens to secular radio in his room am I slacking as a Christian parent by not checking every song that comes on or asking him to turn it to a Christian station? Or am I giving him room to grow and find his musical taste? And what if I give him room to do that and he begins to love secular rap or hard rock as a result??
What Karen said about the Christian homeschooling community is true. While there are great families out there trying hard for their kids, there is a lot of materials floating around that suggest that we must control “mold” every aspect of our kids’ lives. These materials also suggest that if children fail and fall into sin it’s the parent’s fault. We’re reading through the time of the judges now – and it’s very apparent that God takes no responsibility for His children’s sin and He’s perfectly content to give them lots of room to either follow Him and live or follow others and die.
My strategy has been (lately) to really work on my relationships with my kids so that I will have some influence over them (and of course because it feels great and is just the right way to go about parenting IMO). I’ve also decided that I will expose them to some things while I’m around. For instance we are watching Star Wars tomorrow night together. Now I know some people are chuckling over that but for the longest time I’ve thought that Star Wars was not appropriate for Christian kids (not room or time to discuss the whys here). But you know what? I loved Star Wars as a kid and honestly, I want to share it with them. I also don’t want them to be forever wondering what its all about. Other movies too, that I previously thought “no way” on, I’m beginning to rethink. Music I’m not so sure about because bad music with bad lyrics really did influence me as a teen.
I didn’t grow up in a Christian home so it’s hard for me to make all these little calls about the culture. I DO NOT want my kids to be feeling like they missed out on a bunch of good stuff because they did grow up in a Christian home. A lot of it is getting past the fear of their failure and your own as a parent. I also was reading somewhere recently that if you are human you WILL get hurt in this life. Sometimes I think my wanting to control things comes from a selfish place – not wanting to be hurt by my kids and not wanting to watch them be hurt. And there again, through our own parenting we see another one of God’s dilemmas with us. He endures watching 6 billion people a day, and billions more throughout history, all of whom He created, be hurt from the disease of sin.
I didn’t mean for this post to get so long! Thanks for checking back and you sound like a great mom! It was really refreshing to read what you had to say in your last comment.
God bless -
Michelle
“I didn’t mean for this post to get so long! ”
Well, I loved reading it. Thanks for writing back, Michelle, it means a lot to me, you sound like a caring and sensitive mom. I really appreciate all the information you’ve given me.
“A lot of it is getting past the fear of their failure and your own as a parent. I also was reading somewhere recently that if you are human you WILL get hurt in this life. Sometimes I think my wanting to control things comes from a selfish place – not wanting to be hurt by my kids and not wanting to watch them be hurt.”
I think one of the most difficult things in parenting, which I did not even expect before I was a parent, is the torment you feel when your children are in pain. The reason why it’s so painful is in most cases literally nothing you can do but watch. Once my daughter was sick, just for a day, and I felt awful for her and I wanted to help her so much to feel better, to let her know I cared, but it just had to ride it’s course. So finally I’d say to her, “wish I could help you” and she’d laugh. Then it was all done and she was fine and we still laugh about that day.
So I settle for echoing their feelings back to them. They say like “I feel bad because …” and I’d say “I can tell you feel bad because … and that must really hurt”. That shows I’m really listening and understanding and at least I feel like I’m doing SOMETHING! For now it seems that it’s enough.
Hope you enjoy Star Wars with you family!
I just really love the turn this post took on this blog! Dinah and Michelle G…you’ve done a great job of showing humility, teachability, and just loving, grace-filled spirits. Thank you for encouraging me! It is so easy to let satan get in the way and pit ourselves against one another, instead of doing the very thing that we WANT to do which is to love and give each other grace. I’m glad that understanding was built through words, instead of tearing down or tearing apart…
Lovely!
Dinah and Michelle ((((Hugs))) to you both, and Dinah we loved Star Wars! Just as good as it was in 1977
In this sermon series part one closes with a great connection to the Joseph and Mary story!
http://podcast.newcovenanteyes.com/2012/02/26/5-holy-hate-batman-god-hates-divorce.aspx
Part 2 is here:
http://podcast.newcovenanteyes.com/2012/03/04/6-holy-hate-batman-god-hates-divorce-part-2.aspx
You will not be disappointed if like real exegesis and deep theology.
Blessings,
Micah