“ Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” 1 Peter 4:9
When I was about 6 or 7 years old, my mom and I attended what was, for me, a quite memorable mother and daughter banquet at our church. My mother had used the occasion to take me shopping for a new Kate Greenaway dress, which I wore, complete with a crinoline petticoat and black patent leather Mary Janes. Pin curled and sporting a matching patent leather purse, I proudly sat at the lovely table along with the “other” church ladies, admiring the bouquets of lilacs, chatting with my mom, and enjoying myself immensely.
Customarily, the men of the church prepared and served the meal and this night our table’s server was Mr. Hagaman, one of the older men I always enjoyed talking with on Sundays. He had a smile for everyone and a soft and gentle manner. He asked me what I would like to drink and when I said, “Milk, please,” he reached out to lift my glass, but in the process, spilled nearly the entire pitcher of milk onto my lap. I didn’t cry but I wanted to. My mom quickly took me to the bathroom and did her best to clean me up, but I was a sticky, crinoline and patent leather mess for the rest of the night. Mr. Hagaman wiped up the table and floor and spent most of the evening apologizing profusely.
The next morning I woke up to find a gift wrapped box of chocolates on the front door step along with a sweet letter from Mr. Hagaman, once again telling me how sorry he had been for ruining my evening. I was amazed at the thoughtfulness of this dear man, my brother in Christ and, perhaps, that was when I first realized that chocolate makes everything better! In this one simple act of kindness toward a child, Mr. Hagaman demonstrated to me that I was a valuable person, someone worthy of his hospitality.
In Romans 12:1-2, Paul admonishes us that now that we are believers, we are to become like Jesus. He says “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. “ He then continues through the chapter, listing some things that reflect what it means to be in God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will, with verse 13 saying “Practice hospitality.” You see, showing hospitality to our children is not just a nice idea, it is a requirement if we are to live in God’s will; it is an act of worship to God.
Jesus warned his disciples repeatedly of this truth. Several times in the Gospels, it is recorded that the disciples argued over who was greatest in the kingdom, even asking Jesus who was greatest, hoping, I am sure, that he would list their names. Imagine the surprise they experienced when He told them that the one who serves is the greatest and then called a little child and told them that unless they became like little children they would never enter heaven! He then goes on to tell them that not only are they welcoming Jesus when they welcome children, but if they harm any child they are in danger of punishment that would be worse than having a millstone tied around their necks and being cast into the sea!
You see, Jesus set the tone for all of us regarding the importance of children in His kingdom, in His order of life. They are not to be the ones set aside and out of the way in our churches, placed somewhere so they don’t disturb the “real worshippers.” Children are not the ones who should be taught to always go to the end of the line or to sit at the “children’s tables.” Children are not the ones to be treated with disrespect and told ”children are to be seen and not heard.” They are not to be trained as dogs or frightened into compliance with “disciplinary” weaponry. Instead, He said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them.” And then he took them in His arms, put his hands on them, and blessed them.”
How do we demonstrate hospitality? We prepare for our guests, we anticipate their arrival, we provide our best food, a clean house, a comfortable bed at night, we use our best sheets and towels, the ones that match. We prepare food they will like and if we know they don’t care for certain foods, we don’t say “You will finish this or you will be eating it cold for breakfast.” We don’t think “We will wait until they go to bed and then bring out the best dessert.” A child will know he is welcomed in your home when he receives the royal treatment usually reserved for guests!
Author, Anne Ortlund, in her book Children are Wet Cement, tells of her vivid memory of going out for lunch with her family every Sunday after morning worship and how her father always allowed the children to choose from the adult side of the menu rather than from the children’s selections. She said that that simple act made her feel valued as a fellow believer in Christ and opened her heart to receive spiritual truth from her parents. The “pattern of this world,” as Romans talks about, is to not value children as the precious image bearers of Christ that they are, but rather to see them as little extensions of ourselves or as projects that are to be made in our own image.
Psalm 8:2 joyfully tells us “from the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.” Let us purpose to do all that we can to enable our children to praise God by showing them hospitality today!
Next we will look at the command to esteem our children better than ourselves.
Copyright 2007
11 Responses to showing hospitality to our children
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Hi Karen,
Thank you for the great reminders on how we can make sure our children know how much we value and cherish them.
At the same time, surely you agree that the comparison you gave of what we require of our children to what we require of our guests has some definite boundaries. Although I require my son to take out the garbage, I surely don’t insist the same of my guests! And though I might point out to my daughter how she should go back to her bedroom and change out of the blouse she has outgrown, I surely wouldn’t do the same for my overnight company!
God has given my children to me to train up in the way they should go. Although hospitality is a directive in Scripture for every Christian, and it is a great blessing for all involved, I am not instructed to “train up my guests in the way they should go.”
I am specifically referring to your facetious example of requiring your guests to eat all of their dinner lest they eat it cold in the morning. While this would be a good way to teach a child to accept God’s provision with thankfulness, it would be a poor example of hospitality to a guest or stranger.
Again, thank you for encouraging us all to treat our children as the valuable blessings from God that they are. Too often, the world sends a message that devalues the lives of our children and communicates the lie that says they are burdens.
Hi Generation Keeper and welcome to my blog!
I hope I can clarify some things in my blog entry that troubled you.
You said, “At the same time, surely you agree that the comparison you gave of what we require of our children to what we require of our guests has some definite boundaries.”
I am hoping to point out the inconsistencies in how children are often treated in their homes verses how guests are treated as a way of demonstrating the truth that the command to show hospitality to one another applies to how we treat our children. Of course I believe in my children having chores. That is a very important aspect of family life, as each member is given the opportunity of learning to serve each other. Sharing household chores also conveys to a child how important he is to the family, not to mention the fact that unless everyone works together, a family can never keep up with all that must be done!
But that isn’t the issue I was hoping to address. The point isn’t about “training children,” nor is it about what is or isn’t required by the one being shown hospitality. It is about my personal obedience to the one another commands as I consistently apply them in relationships with all fellow believers, especially my children. It is about me and my attitude and about what I need to do to convey hospitality to my children. I hope that clarifies.
You said: “God has given my children to me to train up in the way they should go. Although hospitality is a directive in Scripture for every Christian, and it is a great blessing for all involved, I am not instructed to “train up my guests in the way they should go.” I am specifically referring to your facetious example of requiring your guests to eat all of their dinner lest they eat it cold in the morning. While this would be a good way to teach a child to accept God’s provision with thankfulness, it would be a poor example of hospitality to a guest or stranger.”
You made my point exactly! Why should our standards for hospitality toward those outside of the family be different than our standards within our homes? If we really believe that our children are fellow believers, if we see them baptized or we share around the Lord’s table with them, then why do we have a different attitude toward them when it comes to showing hospitality to them? And, should our standards for showing hospitality to our children be different than those we employ to show hospitality to our own husbands?
I really wasn’t joking or teasing by using the example of forcing a child to eat food he doesn’t like. In fact, this is probably one area where it is really important to listen to our childrens’ likes and dislikes and not force them to eat. When children are born, they have approximately 250 taste buds on each of the papillae on the tongue. By the time someone has reached middle age, there are less than 90 on each. You see, some foods really are repugnant to children for good reason! I think this helps to explain why people “grow to like” various foods. I honestly believe they have a different taste to children than they have to adults.It also explains why all my older chldren who had certain dislikes for some vegetables when they were little are now avid vegetable eaters!
Also, many teen and adult eating disorders can be traced back to children being forced to eat either foods they didn’t like or to clean their plates.
I also would take issue with the idea that we can “train a child to accept God’s provision with thankfulness.” Thankfulness is a heart response, one that comes by knowing who God is and one that comes by His grace alone, not by punitive measures. As we disciple our children and demonstrate by our own examples what genuine thankfulness looks like, we can trust that God will impress on their hearts the desire to worship Him with a thankful heart. While we may force our children to eat everything on their plates, believing we are training them to be thankful, we might really be teaching them to be great Pharisees, outwardly conforming but inwardly becoming bitter because we treat them in ways we would not treat others who share around the table with us! We might even be sending the message to them that, really, they aren’t equal members in the body of Christ. I hope that helps you understand what I was trying to say!
i think that it is beside the point as to whether or not we would ask our guests to take out the trash or change their clothes. the point is offering hospitality to our children as well as our guests, not the other way around. ::shrug::
the idea of treating our children as we would other fellow believers does not mean that we treat other fellow believers as we treat our children. for instance, our children are welcome in our bed (whether for nightmares or just the need for comfort) at night, but welcoming our guests would be inappropriate. our children are always greeted with kisses and fond touches, but greeting our guests (in this culture, anyway!) in such a way would be inappropriate. comparing asking a guest to take out the trash or demanding that he finish his dinner or he’ll have to eat it for breakfast (which is wrong to do to a child or anyone anyway) is not a good comparison.
also, as a frequent guest myself (and i would assume that most women do this as the practice was learned by me from observation growing up), i offer to help in any way that i can. “what can i do to help you get dinner on the table?” “do you want me to wash or dry the dishes?” part of being a guest is having the capacity to be a servant yourself, and not expecting that hospitality is the same way in each household. if part of kitchen clean up after a meal is taking out the trash, then offering to help is also offering to take out the trash.
requiring children to take out the trash and do other chores, teaching children what it means to be modest, and teaching our children to be grateful for the food provided for them does not need to be done in an adversarial way, as you seem to suggest, GK. having children who “act” like they are happy when they are doing work, who “act” like they want to dress modestly, and who “act” like they are grateful for food or whatever, does not mean that we have trained them in righteousness, it just means that we have bullied them into acting a certain way so that they can get out of being beaten for disobedience. how horrible for a parent to call the work he has done to create a liar “training in righteousness.”
is it not better for our children to see from the beginning that we ourselves enjoy work and the benefits of working hard, that our bodies are precious, that part of taking care of them (and the eyes of others) is dressing them appropriately, and that we ourselves are grateful for that with which we have been blessed? to teach our children to walk a path of righteousness means that we are there walking with them, helping them out of the ditch when they fall.
i think this post was great — when we treat our children as brothers and sisters in Christ, loving them, teaching them, admonishing them, and rebuking them in the same way that we would other fellow believers, our tactics and attitudes towards them change for the better. no longer are they a part of our lives merely so that we can raise them to submit to us so that we look like good and perfect parents and people, but they are there experiencing grace along with us as we persevere together — how wonderful!
The point of thatmom’s wonderful post was that so often we treat our children as free child labor, nuisances, etc. The parents who say, “I can’t wait until the children grow up and move out” illustrate this attitude. It’s easy to let the frustrations of childish or disobedient behavior taint our view that our children are precious gifts from God, created in his image. Thanks, thatmom, for continuing to pass along Titus 2 wisdom!
“Also, many teen and adult eating disorders can be traced back to children being forced to eat either foods they didn’t like or to clean their plates.”
Karen,
Another GREAT article. I have been so blessed and so encouraged to be a better mother, woman and wife when I read here.
You are right on the money concerning the above statement and the connection between barbaric practices for children at mealtimes and eating disorders.
It seems that Generation Keeper has greatly missed the point. It wasn’t a “facetious” argument and it is not, as she stated, a good way to teach your child thankfulness. There are better ways. If they don’t like beets at dinner, they won’t like them at breakfast. If they didn’t like the casserole at dinner, they won’t like it for dinner the next night.
There are ways to train our children to be thankful and not force them to eat foods they find distasteful. I tell my children they need to be discreet when they don’t like something and they are never to say “yuck!”.
I do not eat pudding or “gushy” desserts. I have a strong aversion to those things. I pass on those things, even if the hostess is trying to force them on me. (Which is bad hostessing.) I am always discreet about it but I will not eat something that makes me physically ill just to please someone and it doesn’t mean I am not “thankful” if I pass on it.
Some of my children do not like Mexican food. Most of us love it. When I make tacos or other Mexican dishes, I allow the ones that do not like it to have a leftover or peanut-butter and jelly. I give them a choice. Would we force our husbands to eat something they hate in order to teach children how to be thankful? After all, shouldn’t daddy be setting the example in all of this?
I remember once on an email list where we were discussing discipline measures for children. Some of the women started chiming in how slapping our children across the face was appropriate. I was appalled and outraged, especially since not one of the moderators let it be known that slapping a child’s face is out of bounds and totally unbiblical. I finally said something about slapping not being biblical discipline. I was rebuked by a couple of the moderators and told that I was being judgmental and that every family is to decide what discipline is proper for their own children. I was told that we all have different “tools” in our toolbox of parenting.
Funny how that same sentiment doesn’t extend to pants wearing and going to college but it is used to defend slapping one’s child in the face.
” Children are not the ones to be treated with disrespect and told ”children are to be seen and not heard.” They are not to be trained as dogs or frightened into compliance with “disciplinary” weaponry. ”
Exactly, Karen. This is the kind of teaching we moms need to hear.
I always think that if I wouldn’t want to be treated like that, why would I do it to my children.
I have a long way to go but I am learning and trying to undo the years of baggage I carry around from unbiblical teaching.
Julie,
You made a comment about using our children as “free labor”. That is one thing that really bothers. me.
Karen,
I didn’t know that about the tastebuds in children. That is fascinating. Maybe it will help moms like Generation Keeper understand why forcing their children to eat food they don’t like is not going to teach them to be thankful.
It makes perfect sense. Many of my children didn’t like onions and mushrooms (too important ingredients in this house!!) but when they got into their teens they loved them. I always allowed them to pick those items out if they didn’t make a big deal about it and they eventually came to love them and now I always have to throw in extra onions and mushrooms so everyone can have some.
I guess it all boils down to thinking about whether or not I would like the same treatment if it was done to me. Our children have their own assignments from the Lord. They are unique. They will not all want the same things we want. When we expect them to have our vision and our wants and desires and think that any deviation from our own selfish goals is rebellion, we are setting ourselves up for major disappointment.
Corrie said:
” remember once on an email list where we were discussing discipline measures for children. Some of the women started chiming in how slapping our children across the face was appropriate. I was appalled and outraged, especially since not one of the moderators let it be known that slapping a child’s face is out of bounds and totally unbiblical. I finally said something about slapping not being biblical discipline. I was rebuked by a couple of the moderators and told that I was being judgmental and that every family is to decide what discipline is proper for their own children. I was told that we all have different “tools” in our toolbox of parenting.”
Corrie! That is a horrible story! How can slapping a child across the face EVER be considered discipline? How can it ever be done not in anger? I hope you are no longer associated with that group!
Julie,
I, too, have been greatly bothered by the attitude of looking forward to having children out of the house. I hear this alot from people my age. We have really missed our grown children when they left; we still do!
The secreat to it all is welcoming the seasons of life that God gives us, whether it is the years of diaper chaos or the golden years when you are an old couple with the chidlren raised. It really is a matter of contentment, though, I must admit, sometimes I really do long for the days you are experiencing right now!
Mollie,
Thank you for making this statement:
“to teach our children to walk a path of righteousness means that we are there walking with them, helping them out of the ditch when they fall.”
AND, so your children can help you out of the same ditch as well!
That pretty much sums it all up doesn’t it?
Hi Karen,
What great discussion!! I simply loved your post and all the other thoughts here!
For me, I simply see 2 different “issues” here. The first being the need to treat our children with love, respect and honor. And secondly, training our children in Godly character and to serve others. I see these 2 concepts in the Word of God, and don’t think they contradict one another at all!
By teaching our children to serve in the home (serving together in the home as a family….whether it be in cleaning house, taking out the trash or preparing meals) is the PERFECT training ground for hospitality–whether it be the hospitality in my home or in their home “someday”.
I see the beauty of your post…providing hospitaliity to our children as mult-faceted. First, it helps us as parents to treat them respectfully and enable us to “have their hearts” and maintain that hold. Without having our children’s hearts, any Godly character we desire to teach them, will fall on deaf ears! Secondly, I believe, by giving our children hospitality, it enables them to experience it, so they KNOW how to honor others in giving hospitality. Practical ‘how to’ teaching is important, but there is nothing that compares to the “experiential knowledge” that comes through experience. On a rabbit trail, if anyone would like to understand more of what God says about “experiencing knowledge” I highly recommend a Greek word study on the words translated “knowledge/know” in Romans 1:18-32. Several different Hebrew words are used in these verses, but are translated “know/knowledge”. Each Hebrew word implies a growing “experiential knowledge” of God…GREAT STUDY!
But off the rabbit trail, God has greatly blessed us Moms with our children and He has called us “To train them up in the way they should go, in keeping with his individual gift and bent..” (Proverbs 22:6 amplified).
As a Mom, I must remember that God entrusted the children to me, He has…for a purpose..I am to train them according to the gifts He has endowed them with..and according to their God given personality and inclinations. My children are not to be cookie cutters of one another or of my husband and I..They are created in God’s image, endowed with His gifts/bents for His purpose and GLORY! My responsibility in their training is HUGE…one that must not be taken lightly and I (each of us!!) will only be successful as we seek Him for direction each step of the way….Leaning on His wisdom and not man’s…
Great thougths Karen and ladies!
God Bless you all as you disciple your children for HIs Kingdom purpose!
Love Deanne
Deanne,
That is such an excellent point, that our children learn how to show hospitality to others through our showing it to them!
You also made another great observation when you said “As a Mom, I must remember that God entrusted the children to me, He has…for a purpose..I am to train them according to the gifts He has endowed them with..and according to their God given personality and inclinations..” Sometimes this is harder to discern in certain children than it is in others and that is why we desperately need God’s wisdom!